We can be unapologetically Hard of Hearing with minor changes in habit. The biggest apologetic action we see from those with hearing loss is: “I’m sorry, I have hearing loss. Can you repeat that?” Are we sorry for ourselves or others? Why do we do that? Let’s start dropping the ‘sorry’.
Do we expect people with other disabilities to apologize for their needs? Hopefully not. Then, why are we so often sorry for not being able to hear people? Most of the time, it isn’t our fault that we didn’t understand the other person. Sometimes it is the speaker. People also have unrealistic expectations of hearing aids and cochlear implants. Instead of being sorry, maybe we can speak up to clear up the many misconceptions and assumptions about hearing loss. This is why it’s important to grow our know; so we can enlighten others.
Start saying this instead: “Can you repeat that, please?” That’s polite. No need for us to apologize for who we are and what we need for communication. Become aware of saying “sorry…” and start dropping it from your requests. Getting a repeat is not unreasonable.
No One Apologized
Julia: Recently while on vacation, here are few things I found myself doing/saying:
- “Have papa face you.”
- “Haha! I own a hearing loss business and I just did everything wrong while communicating with you.” (The HoH family member: “Yes you did.”)
- “Look at me and say that again.” (My son is a mumbler).
- “You gotta turn the music down if you want to talk with me.”
Here are some things my HoH family members did/said:
- “Wait, turn around and say that again.”
- “Are you speaking to me?”
- “Hold on a minute…Now say that again.”
There should be no shame in not hearing someone – or should I say there should be no shame in not understanding someone. I have Vulcan hearing as my children often say. Even with good hearing, I still want people to face me and speak clearly. In noisy background situations, I appreciate the use of gestures too. Better yet, turn the damn radio down.
What’s behind “sorry”?
Are your hearing partners apologizing for your hearing loss? If they are, could it possibly be coming from you? Or is it something about them? If they are embarrassed by your needing a repeat, that’s a conversation y’all need to have together.
If it’s because they don’t understand hearing loss, then get them involved so they can have better understanding. Folks, there is a reason we built our lipreading classes to involve both parties. The more you work together the easier it is to find solutions.
I never once felt the need to apologize for my grandmother’s or any other family member’s hearing loss. My job is not to cause embarrassment, my job is support.
Lipreading Class Information
Hearing Loss LIVE! has a Super Saturday Lipreading Strategies class this Saturday August 10th from 11:00a-2:00p. It’s online and we have a Buy One Get One free registration just so you can both learn better communication together. Super Saturdays are a condensed version of our 6 week class. This is our starter kit for better Hard of Hear (HoH) communication needs. Click HERE.
Is it guilt or shame?
Chelle: Most likely it’s a bit of both. Shame lingers because of the stigma with hearing loss, “deaf and dumb”. I still hear that from time to time while with the older generation. I’m up front about my hearing loss when I meet people so they don’t get the wrong idea about me. I’d rather be known as Hard of Hearing than rude and stuck up. After introducing myself to a lady about 20 years older than me, she used “deaf and dumb” while describing someone she who was deaf. This deaf friend taught at a university and traveled the world yet she said deaf & dumb! That blew my mind. For the younger generation, I wonder if it has something to do with bullying. That sure has a lasting effect on how we deal with the people we meet after. Is saying “sorry” a protective strategy?
For a long time it was a protective strategy for me. In the past, someone close to me gave me a hard time for having to repeat. He rolled his eyes and/or gave me the repeat in a nasty manner. That was someone I was married to, if he was like that, maybe everyone felt the same way? Long story short, I kept apologizing, sorry they had to repeat for little ol’ me.
Guilt
Someone argued with our local group of HoHs a while back saying it’s the polite thing to do. The rest of us disagreed. We can be polite in ways without being sorry. I researched the idea of being over apologizing. PsychCentral talks about false guilt, feeling responsible for things we aren’t responsible for. Does this sound familiar? “We feel like we’re taking up too much space, asking for too much or being disruptive….they feel they aren’t worthy of time, space or attention.”
That hit my heart. For years I didn’t feel worthy of the time for a repeat or the space needed to understand better. That’s messed up for any of us. We didn’t ask for hearing loss.
Thanks to mingling with the HoH community, I don’t feel ‘little’ anymore. I’m life size and I’m going to be me with my hearing loss. Once in a while, a “sorry” slips out but I note it but I catch it! I don’t have to be sorry anymore. In fact, the more I own it, the better I do. Managing my hearing loss gives me confidence.
Learn More with Hearing Loss LIVE!
- This captioned video by Therapy in a Nutshell is worthy to watch. It’s not about hearing loss, it’s about over apologizing in general.
Because this topic builds on so much of what we’ve already talked about, we’re sharing a list of blog posts that relate:
- Confidence with Hearing Loss – LINK. How do we build our confidence? We talk about trying, failing and trying again in another way.
- Hearing Loss & Shame – LINK.This is an old post but relative! We talk about the stigma and how people make us feel about hearing loss.
- Someone at our workshop on this subject last night said this subject also has a lot to do with resilience, something we talked about last spring. LINK
- Because we are all worthy of participation. Take a look at the Personal Bill of Rights we created. Believe in yourself and hold those values! LINK.
