Creating a New Normal with Hearing Loss

When we have hearing loss, there’s a tension between doing what is polite –the normal thing– versus what needs to be done to participate. Following social norms actually limits a hard of hearing person’s experience. Some social norms we are taught as children…

Sit still.
It’s not polite to stare.
Avoid drawing attention to us/yourself.
Be respectful of personal space.
Don’t interrupt.
Speak quietly.

Normal is conforming to a standard, or a typical pattern. While ‘normal’ is different for each person, most of society stays within the spectrum. With hearing loss, social norms are inverted—what is considered polite or typical in the hearing world can directly conflict with our ability to communicate and/or engage fully. Adhering to standard social etiquette forces a choice between staying quiet to keep others comfortable or breaking unwritten rules to stay connected.

These standards force a choice: Do I act “polite” and remain isolated? Or do I break a social rule so I can participate? Do we make others comfortable, or do what works for us?

Normal should be taken in context.

If you have ever felt like a hostage to hearing-world politeness, you are not alone. What society considers normal is often the exact opposite of what people with hearing loss need to communicate. To stay active and engaged with life. Here are a few examples:

Sitting still doesn’t work for hearing loss. There are times we need to switch seats or move around a meeting table to use lipreading skills and be closer to sound.
Don’t stare isn’t going to work either. Staring gives us the visual elements of communication. We can explain to other people that we need all the visual elements of communication we can get. If we look intense, it’s only because we are piecing together the conversation with faulty hearing.
When we avoid drawing attention to ourselves, we lose connection. We can sit still and not hear, or we can draw a few stares by moving around as needed.

Green title: Normalize this for Hearing Loss
-Hearing breaks. Listening is exhausting. This is how we recharge.
-Limiting time at noisy events. -Hearing devices do not filter noise like natural hearing.
Repeating patiently – especially if you, as the speaker, did not follow the Three Golden Rules.
-Video calls over phone calls because seeing is hearing.
Fat colorful lettered image that says "Sorry Not Sorry"
Green text: I will l ive m y life the right way with hearing loss.

Be respectful of personal space. Personal space is anywhere between four and twelve feet. Because hearing devices generally work best within six feet, we need to be closer. If it’s a noisy setting, we may need to be within two feet of the speaker.
If we aren’t allowed to interrupt for clarification, we’re going to resort to bluffing. Allow us the courtesy to interrupt to make sure we’re following you. Most people want to be heard and we want to make sure we understand what you’re saying.
Speak quietly and we won’t hear you. We know you don’t want to draw attention to yourself but we need YOU to speak up a little – not a lot – to better understand you. Whispers and hushed tones do not generally work for us. On the flipside, here’s another truth- we can’t always hear ourselves talking so we don’t know how loud we are talking. Be kind. Give us a nice and easy gesture to tune it down a little and we will. Examples: point finger down or adjust an imaginary volume knob.

Explaining why we do things normalizes our adaptive behaviors.

It helps people recognize hearing loss and allows us to do the opposite AS NEEDED. Once we educate them, it allows them to recognize hearing loss in others and give them the space to do what’s needed. It might open doors for others in their life with hearing loss. Be so completely yourself that everyone else feels safe to do so. Open up and free others in the process.

Doing the Opposite

Chelle went to an open captioned play. The new ADA coordinator was helpful in placing Chelle near the stage. However, the captioning board was on the other side of the stage. The coordinator probably thought this placement would help her see both the play and the captions. It worked until the actors came out onto the outer part of the stage. At that point, they blocked the captions.

The actors continued to move back and forth, leaving gaps in the dialogue/captions. Chelle got irritated. There’s nothing more irritating than listening to the audience laugh and not understanding the joke. While the play was in motion, she got out of her seat and moved to the opposite side of the theater without making a fuss. She wanted full access to the captions so she could laugh too. She stood in place until intermission, then changed seats.

Did she sit still? She tried but it didn’t last long. Did her walking across the front of the stage draw attention? Probably. Did she care? No. Access to captions mattered more to her. She crossed the stage floor quickly without making a scene. She did what she had to do to stay connected.

Green title: Normalize this with hearing loss.
-Finding out which ear is better and staying on that side to talk.
-Facing everyone when speaking. It creates better communication over all.
-Getting our attention before speaking. If you do, you will repeat yourself less!
-Minimize background noise when talking making conversation easier for everyone.
Sorry Not Sorry image with colorful letters.
Green font: I will live my life the right way with hearing loss.

You Do You

Chelle even left her husband at the table. She apologized to him at intermission for leaving suddenly. Sitting there would have made her angry, hurt and resentful. He said he knew that and understood. Another person at their assigned table also relied on captions. That person did the polite thing and stayed at the table missing chunks of the play.

Sorry Not Sorry image with colorful letters. White text: I will live my life the right way with hearing loss. Green title: Normalizing Your Communication Needs -Start noticing where being polite isolates you. Take one small step to fix this. -Stop apologizing for hearing loss. ---Every time we apologize, we make ourselves a little bit smaller. Swap the “sorry” for please. -Learn to sit through the discomfort of doing what you need to participate more fully. It gets easier each time you do it. -Speak your truth. Tell people what works best for you. If you don’t, they are guessing and they don’t often guess right. Looking for more confidence to make this happen? Take a class with Hearing Loss LIVE! hearinglosslive.com/lipreading-classes

Free yourself. If you have hearing loss, we give you permission to do the opposite so you too can stay connected. We have a different reality, a different normal. We don’t have to be held hostage to etiquette. You do you.

This can be done politely without a big scene. If we know in advance we’ll be doing something slightly different, we explain why ahead of time. Sometimes, it’s not the time for explanations and they can wait until later. As people get to know us, and the why, it becomes normal. Chelle’s husband would much rather she gets the access she needs than to have her leave the theater in tears later. Most family members would rather us stay active!

Join Team Hearing Loss

Hearing partners can join Team Hearing Loss. Hearing buddies help us advocate and correct misconceptions. They help normalize our ‘odd’ behaviors.

“She’s not rude. She didn’t hear you. Try getting her attention first.”
The noisy environment keeps him from participating fully. Can we set up a quiet corner?
While listening, he can look mad but he isn’t. It’s his concentration as he uses what he can of lipreading and his remaining hearing.
She’s looking at her phone because she’s reading captions.

Hearing Loss LIVE!’s classes and workshops normalize Hard of Hearing communication. We offer a buy one get one free registration because communication takes two. We welcome, and applaud, the hearing partners who join us to take it to the next level.